Venting AGAIN!!!

So it is one of those days where I have no energy, am watching the stupid Discovery Health Channel and the birthing shows (I know, not the brightest thing I have done) and then it hits me......... I want to freakin throw things about the fact that I can't have more kids, I am just so angry with the Dr's for not counseling me on the effects of my Uterine Fibroid. What did they expect........ after my first c-section that they wouldn't have to tell me what it meant, that I would just google it?!? (I was really too drugged up to care while I was in surgery, so I only remembered bits and pieces!!) The Dr acted like it was no big deal!!! And then they saw I had one on my last Sonogram with my last birth and the Sonogram tech just asked me if I knew I had one........ I of course said that I had been told during my last c-section........ Then nothing else was said about it. I never knew the only way to get rid of them was to do a hysterectomy, I was never counseled on the effects that one could have on my pregnancy, and I sure as Hell was pissed BEYOND belief when I googled about the whole mess after everything was said and done!!

And the funny thing........... I want to go write on forums about how I am feeling but everyone is talking about pregnancy or c-sections or Vbacs or Homebirths......... not healing after a hysterectomy that happened before I was ready. I feel like I don't belong. I guess all the stress from school and the constant stress that the kids give me by not listening is getting to me. Not to mention that my hormones are just now evening themselves out and I am PMS'ing for the first time since the surgery................ Did you know that sometimes I wish that since they did the surgery on April Fool's Day, I want it all to be one cruel joke............

I really want to stay in contact with the forums because I know when I start my Certified Midwife School, it will be a great resource. These women know what they are talking about when it comes to birth and all things birth-ey (is that even a word........ oh well!!). But right now it is getting to be too hard to even log on to see how the vbacers are doing! I want to be there, to help support those that can. But by doing so I am still stuck thinking about my own failure. I just hope that when I go to the Dr, they may be able to help..........